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tv   The Daily Show With Jon Stewart  Comedy Central  January 28, 2014 7:30pm-8:01pm PST

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>> from comedy central's world news headquarters in new york, this is "the daily show" with jon stewart. ["daily show" theme song playing] [cheers and applause] >> jon: welcome to "the daily show". my name is jon stewart. [cheers and applause] you know, one of my favorites is here. one of my favorite guests is here tonight. from "goldbergs", television's "the goldbergs" is here tonight jeff garlin. but first, a crisis brewing right here in new york. it began last week with remarks from governor andrew cuomo. >> it's the republican party in this state a moderate party or an extremely conservative party? who are they? are these they extreme conservatives who are right to
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life, pro-assault weapon, anti-gay? is that what they are -- who they are? [laughter] >> jon: i didn't know there were that many sill liables -- sill -- sylallsble circumstances in gay. either he is spending way too much time with senator schumer or he is my grandmother. who are they, gaaaay? >> if that's who they are, if they are the extreme conservatives they have no place in the state of new york. >> jon: whoa. that's a little rough. cuomo wasadvising new york's republican party to clarify the identity to stay viable in this left leaning state but it
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accidentally came out as (bleep) (bleep), (bleep) (bleep). [ laughter ] not he's best moment. as we know minority groups in new york can be very sensitive. one type of new york are not in particular. >> -- minority in particular. >> no place in the state of new york. governor, you don't want me. tell me specifically why i'm not allowed to be here. i'm leaving. as soon as i can get out of here, i am out. [cheers and applause] >> jon: wow. what a wholly unexpected response to that sean hannity says as soon as i can get out i'm leaving but he has to know it's not east germany. you can really get out any time. large metropolitan area, we've got airports, interstates, seaport. [ laughter ] you could walk. [ laughter ] i would carry you. [ laughter ] but that didn't stop mr. hannity
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from taking the grievance train toll victimtown which is really the only public transportation he has been on. >> why should i move forward when my governor said there's no place for me in new york. >> maybe he doesn't get it. >> what is the story are you leaving new york? >> we hope for something positive. this is an awful thing what he said. traditional marriage americans are not welcome in the state. protraditional marriage there's no place for you in new york. >> jon:. ♪ there's no place for us, anti-gay, pro-gun no place ♪ ♪ take my hand if you are not a dude ♪ [laughter] so hannity wants to relocate. it's a pretty sweet prize and opportunity for florida governor rick scott. >> sean, come on down. look at our weather. you probably have a jacket today.
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we're in short sleeves, the fishing capital of the world. >> jon: between the gators ant possum and palmetto bugs no one here has even noticed i'm a hairless snake man! i'm a hairless snake man. i run your state and i'm a hairless snake -- [laughter] [cheers and applause] he did that without me even playing a note. scott's reptilian past leaves an opening for rick perry to woo hannity. >> i'm a man not wanted in the state i was born in anymore and there are two states on my list, texas and florida. >> the old motto about texas being the friendship state, it shows through in how we treat people and you are certainly -- you certainly know you are welcome and you'll be treated like a true friend. >> jon: that's all he is
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looking for. [ laughter ] friend, just looking for a place where the governor is inclusive of all people even those who disagree with him. i governor who would never suggest if you don't fit the majority mold or like their politics you best move on. like how in texas gay marriage is illegal. >> texans have made a decision about marriage, and that if there's some other state that has a more lenient view than texas, maybe it's a better place for them to live. >> jon: wow, sounds kind of what sean hates about our governor. i guess it's called the friendship state because a lot of people there are only allowed to be friends. so sean hannity is disgusted! disgusted! he is disgusted at the new york governor's intolerance. he is threatening to move to a place whose governor said pretty much the exact same thing. he has a case of selective
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undergarment bunching or sub. [ laughter ] so what is really going on here? >> i wouldn't pay a 10% state tax in florida or texas. i would save a lot of money. >> jon: oh, right. i have forgotten how much the takers in this state have been exploiting his success. because if he goes there's one less state-funded cocaine party for our homeless. we must keep him. but how? [laughter] >> we know you are mad at us and you have every right to be, occupy wall street, governor cuomo, that weird smell, new yorkers made a lot of big mistakes but we're going to change. just please stay. >> stay. >> stay. >> we can't lose you. stay. >> yo sean man, you can't leave we need you dog. >> i will lose my accent if you say. let's grab a beer and watch the
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game. how is that? >> we'll make sex in the city tours sean and the city tours. >> we're in love but we'll marry women in instead. >> that pipeline we'll run it through central park no (bleep) problem. >> what is a hoodie without a hood? >> the city depends upon job creators like you, sean. we'll give you the perks you deserve. >> we'll name a street averagan. hell, we'll name them all averagan. >> worried about your commute home, no problem. >> this a-train is now running directly to sean's house. >> please. stay. >> stay. >> stay,. ♪ stay mr. hannity stay ♪ what will we do if you have gone away ♪ ♪ who would tax if his money was gone who would we impose socialism upon ♪ ♪ stay mr. hannity, stay
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pro-life and anti-gay ♪ ♪ stay in your second home don't disappear forever like alan gomes ♪ ♪ please, mr. hannity, please ♪ ♪ keep your unique friends far insanity keep me away from the rest of humanity. ♪ stay mr. hannity, stay snet ♪ whatever the governor may do or say the name of the state that fills you with hate ♪ ♪ stay mr. hannity stay ♪ won't you stay [cheers and applause] >> on second thought who gives a (bleep) what you do. [cheers and applause] >> jon: we'll be right back.
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[cheers and applause] >> jon: welcome back to the show. now tomorrow night, tomorrow night president will address the state of our union. let's get a jump on with it our own check of some of societies institutions in our new segment where are we now? i i have a half hour. a third after this is taken up with jeff garlin. stay tuned tonight for jeff garlin from the hit show "the goldbergs." [cheers and applause] i know i have seen him in other things but i'm pretty sure it's
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only "the goldbergs." the news media is looking strong. last week, for instance,, msnbc ran a surprisingly substantive debate about government surveillance. wants recommendations but i think at this point we should seriously consider not -- >> let me interrupt you. congresswoman let me interrupt you for a moment. we have break news out of miami. >> jon: breaking news that is more urgent than the government spying on americans and from miami? did miami's sound machine spontaneously combust killing millions? it would be the greatest tragedy since the great c and c music fire of 1911. tell me it's not that. >> is stand by if you will, in miami justin bieber has been arrested on a number of charges. [cheers and applause] [audience boos] >> jon: they are not booing
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they are saying boo-ber. you interrupted a former congresswoman and national security expert for something justin bieber did? unless he caused an earthquake in japan i doubt it was worth it. still the media flooded the zone for bieber's drag racing arrest with crn n in particular pulling out the stops with a special report fit footage lifted from tm z testimony from three former child stars and state of the arm cgi simulation. >> when he raced against a fer rar your on a quiet stretch of beach both vehicles nearly twice the speed limit. two black s.u.v.s blocking the roadway. >> jon: and then yoshi hit a supercell and who shows up, just in time to beat up hookers oh, the humanity. [ laughter ] point is. what a terrible idea of coverage. what about our elected
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representative. senator ted cruz of texas. it leading light of republican party. a few months ago he pushed the g.o.p. to shut dlun down the government any regrets? >> i said we shouldn't shut the government down. >> if you didn't to threaten to shut down the government who did? >> harry reid and president obama. >> jon: i don't remember it that way. there is just one thing about that. >> senator john cornyn said mate be necessary to partially shut down the government in order to secure the long-term fiscal well being of the country. >> we shut the government down. >> we will do what we have to do, shutdown the government if we have. >> tom: the government has to shut down. >> i say shut it down. >> jon: looks like we got ourselves one of those he said, actual videotape recordlings of the events fete said disagreements. i guess we'll never know the truth. you can learn more about what
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happened at ted's reimagining of cruz your own adventure from the northern states is and the confi did. that's where the prom nebt representatives representatives are at what about the civil servants at the state department. >> it's a privilege to introduce george tsunis the nominee for the ambassador to norway. he is a perfect candidate for ambassador. >> jon: good for him. i sure people laughed at him when he majored in norwegian political science and minored in fjords. who is laughing now? >> have you been to norway? >> no. >> jon: been to norway? are you kid me that place is a frozen (bleep). i wouldn't (bleep) with sweden (bleep) you know what i'm say something in did i get the job
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or what? come on. why on dearth president obama nominate a guy who has never been to norway to be the ambassador of norway in the first place. >> he raised nearly $850,000 for the president's reelection campaign. >> jon: can we pum the live feed from norway right about now? yeah. all right. things are looking pretty bad for everything but let's not forget, we don't have to go in that direction we have a new inspirational pope. no matter how tough things seem we can find solace threat in his profound message of peace. he demonstrated that again with a manufacturing prayer followed by the symbolic release of two white doves. >> one of the doves was actually attacked by a seagull the other by a black crow. [ laughter ] >> jon: okay. you may see that as a chilling moment of peace, torn asundayer by the forces of violent chaos.
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i see a black crow and a white seagull putting aside their differences to work together. we're all going toeee
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[cheers and applause] >> jon: welcome back. my guest tonight a very funny actor and comedian. he stars on abc's "the goldbergs." >> hey you got a sec?
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i think we should have a talk, man to man. >> really? okay. >> i've never been a great communicator, so i think i should keep things as direct and exact as possible. >> all right. >> we're not just going to have the talk we're going to experience the talk. we're going to do some role playing. i'm going be the girl. you'll be the boy and we're going to learn where babies come from with our hands. >> jon: please welcome back to the show jeff garlin. [cheers and applause] note net ♪ -- ♪ [cheers and applause] [cheers and applause] jeff garlin is here. [cheers and applause] >> thank you. that's a beautiful camera. i didn't know they made those anymore. >> it's a range finder. it's a liceum m monochrome.
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you mentioned my name and not much of a reaction and you said let's let them know he is coming out soon. >> jon: let me tell you why i've brought you on no that we've within friends many, many years and we're close and i love you. >> yes. >> jon: here is why i brought you on. >> tell me. >> jon: as a member of cast of the goldberlgs you are at the forefront putting a positive face on a jewish family on television. [laughter] for maybe the first time to me my misbookah cosby. >> i never thought of it that way. >> jon: to see a jewish father nonthreatening with a career
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it's beautiful. >> i'm very threatening on the show. >> jon: i haven't seen the show. [ laughter ] >> i'm grumpy. time in tighty whiteys all the time. it's not the image most jews would like. >> jon: is that true? >> yeah. >> jon: would jews ever agree on what image? >> no, no. oh, my god, no. >> jon: in my family we can't adegree on what channel to watch the football game on. either hd or sd that's a fight. that's how (bleep) up we are. did you lose weight? you look great. >> i'm losing weight at all times. [ laughter ] i am. let me just say this, i'll know when i've lost enough weight when people stop asking me to play chris christie. [cheers and applause] that's when i'll know. >> jon: you guys ultimately
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will end up playing him anyway as you lose weight he is losing weight and it's you and him in a many ofy about going to the gym. you are both going to be in such good shape. >> i would be happy to play him post what he has done. >> jon: it's about health. if you are feeling healthy and he is feeling healthy. i don't care what people look like. are you feeling healthy? >> i am rather handsome as i lose weight. >> jon: you are handsome -- from the day i met you. we used to sit in -- what is it? [laughter] >> why do you do this j all right. tell me about the show. >> don't do that. tell me about the show is always ad ad about question. >> jon: here is what we used to. there was a place 72nd street. >> bj's bagels a-go-go. >> jon: a bagel place with girls you would think.
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>> no, you would hope. >> jon: but the tuna there. >> fantastic. >> jon: what was so special about it. >> it was delicious. i don't know. [ laughter ] >> jon: no (bleep). no onions and celery and capers, none of it. >> it was just tuna salad. >> jon: straight up, baby. old school. knoll high definition. >> no, it was your standard definition tuna and i looked it. >> jon: it was incredible and we would sit there for hours and talk about how jeff one day would break the barrier for jews on television. >> do you know that in all sinnerner sincerity my dream was to be on a network sitcom in order to some day make independent movies. that's what i'm doing. i made a movie called laggie, is that i'm in. i got paid $8.
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i played kiera knightley's father. i was disturbed by that and i also did a documentary called finding vivienne meyer, a lady who was a nanny. i couldn't do that because i make nothing. but now i do "the goldbergs" i make a lot! >> jon: this is why i love this man because from the moment i met him not just a comic, an artist. >> let me say this -- >> jon: no. i will say this the goldbergs -- [laughter] airs tuesday night in black and white at 9:00 on abc jeff garlin. [cheers and applause] fñ,x,pnpnp
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[cheers and applause] >> jon: that's our show. join us tomorrow at 11:00. here it is your moment of zen. >> this is the future that remains to be won, and it will be won. - hey, it's 4:00 p.m. on sunday again. and it's time to show us your songs, toronto. [upbeat music]
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♪ - you know him as mikey from "wheels ontario." it's bryan la croix. - pardon. - french-canadian contortionist julie francois. - bonjour. - and from two generations of "wheels ontario," it's gene creemers. - show us your songs, toronto. ladies and gentlemen, the tension is palpable here at the "show us your songs, toronto" finals. bryan, how are you feeling about the competition today? - gene, so excited to be here. all the "bryantologists" out there, shout-out to all of you. i love all my fans. gene, what have you been up to? - oh, just doing the tv show i've been doing for the last 25 years. it's called "wheels ontario." have you heard of it there, bryan? - yeah, i play mikey on "wheels ontario." i'm just excited that it was a platform for me to get a little further along in my music career. and hopefully i won't be on there much longer. - oh, do you have a music career? - yeah, i've got a new single coming out called "enter to win," and, um-- - okay, and all these contestants today on "show us your songs" are entered to win the competition "show us your songs, toronto." here we go with our first act.

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